"O" No! Say it isn't so!

Well... it seems that the year 2011 will be upsetting for more than one reason now. Today Oprah Winfrey officially announced that next season will be her last as she plans to end her talk show in 2011. She really broke down today during the announcement which is something that she hardly ever does. You can always see the heartfelt compassion in her eyes and in her words when she tries to sympathize with her guests but usually she is able to keep herself together. I've never understood how she could be so strong. So when she choked up today it was an intense moment.

I can't believe she's been on the air for 25 years! What an amazing accomplishment. I hope that I can look back and say I'm proud of something like that!

"triming the fat"

I played a little Donald Trump today and had to let 5 retail reps go. It's definitely not as fun as it looks on TV although I did get some weird enjoyment from the sense of control I had at the moment.

They all really dropped the ball on a huge product launch we were working on this week and have been preparing for for over 2 months.  I just don't understand the work ethic that some people have these days especially in these bad economic times.  Are there really this many people out there who have been raised so poorly or do I just happen to be the lucky one to come in contact with all of them?  It's insulting that they think I'm just going to let them do whatever the hell they want/don't want to do.  Really??  Anyone that knows me, would think I'd probably be an easy boss to work for as long as you do the work... it's not that new/hard of a concept people!!  Come on!!!!!

I spent several hours on the phone today arguing with these people about what they did/didn't do... what they just 'didn't have time' to do because they have kids and other jobs, etc. WELL..... I'm sorry, you're too busy for this job then!! There is nothing to discuss here!!! No other job would tolerate you not showing up repeatedly for your shifts with no phone call... why should I have to call you 3 days after a project was due to find out you just haven't had time yet when you've had 2 months of notice?? Nope.... bye bye.

But now I have all of these territories with no representation. Thank god that the other 70 'somewhat good' reps that I have are willing to step up and fill in but with the holidays right around the corner and time off requests coming up... I may have just screwed myself.

Sometimes 'the fat needs to be trimmed' though and today was a day of doing just that. I feel a little heartless but at the end of the day, I just don't have time to baby-sit and hold hands. I have trained you, spent time with you, communicated the objectives, goals and timelines to you... and if you still can't do the work, I'm sorry but I have to find someone else that can.  So I shouldn't feel bad... isn't that what being a manager is about?

Time to rebuild...

4

it's 4am... why am i still awake?

ohh... Barracuda

I love Barbara Walters.  She is absolutely hilarious and she doesn't even mean to be.  Today on "The View" one of the guests was Sofia Vergara from the new comedy "Modern Family".  In real life she is a single mom of an 18 yr old boy who is about to go off to college and she was talking about how for the first time in her life she is really going to be alone and needs a man.  Barbara asked her if she is more like her character on the show who will go after an older man, or is she more of a 'barracuda' and will go for a younger man.  Obviously, what Barbara meant to say was 'cougar'... but the confused look on Whoopi's face was priceless as she looked into the camera and muttered the words- 'what did she just say??  barracuda!?'   Poor Barbara... she really is very sharp and she means well.  You can tell she tries so hard stay up to date with new lingo... she reminds me a lot of Momo.

"Cougar Town" was a good one tonight as well.  Quotes:

I can't believe I'm going to be 41 on Saturday... I mean, that's IN your 40s!

I'm going to say a number and you stop me when you think it's an age I can pass for. 

I just don't want to be in this stupid town for my birthday... everybody talks about everything... I just want go somewhere where no one knows who I am and I can just let loose and not be judged.

Take a picture of me eating a piece of bacon in a bikini

-Do you think I can still pass for 21??  okay... I'll settle for 24...??
-Similar reasons I feel the need to get out of town for NYE... just to go where no one knows me and I can really let loose! :)

11.18.09

I'm not too sure if it's normal that I get so emotional every single day.  I mean... I can feel my eyes tearing up everytime that Folgers Coffee commercial comes on... let alone those sappy stories on The Biggest Loser,  Ellen and Extreme Makeover... even Jenna Jamison got to me on Oprah yesterday!!   Kelly Osborne cries after every dance on Dancing with the Stars and I can't help but feel like I'm right there with her. 

This is It

I saw the Michael Jackson movie "This is It" tonight. It was incredible. I had no idea that the London shows were completely ready and set to begin only 8 days after his death. What an amazing experience that would have been. In the footage of his rehearsals you can see how precise and perfect Michael had to have every single detail. His fans were just honored to have an opportunity to audition in front of him...let alone actually get a backup spot.

I know the media hype is quite over played but I still can’t believe it. It’s not right that someone with that much talent, desire and heart would leave this world so young. …But what an incredible stamp he has left on our world. He was truly an inspiration for everyone and I definitely feel more empowered than ever to do something great… sooner rather than later… because we only get one life… and this is it…

.h.a.p.p.y.

Someone once told me that you have to choose
What you win or lose
You can't have everything
Don't you take chances
Might feel the pain
Don't you love in vain
Cause love won't set you free
I can't stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by
So unhappy
But safe as could be

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground

I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
Cause I'm just trying to be happy, yeah
Just wanna be happy, yeah

Holding on tightly
Just can't let it go
Just trying to play my role
Slowly disappear
But all these days, they feel like they're the same
Just different faces, different names
Get me out of here
I can't stand by your side, ohh no
And watch this life pass me by, pass me by

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground

I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
Cause i'm just trying to be happy, ohh, happy, ohh

So any turns that I can't see,
I'll count on a stranger on this road
But don't say victim
Don't say anything

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground

I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me

I just wanna be happy
Ohh, yeah, happy, ohh, happy
I just wanna be, ohh
I just wanna be happy
Ohh, happy

back on track

oh... the dreadmill.... I finally found myself back on the track for the first time in about a week and a half!! To my surprise it wasn't as horrible as I would have thought. Maybe my body just needed a little bit of rest and recovery. I ran 2.5 miles in 30 mins... yes, I know it's not the best time but I was able to run pretty much the entire time and I didn't feel like I was going to die.

The weekend consisted of a fun day and night with old friends. I had such a great time. Lots of talk about life, love, babies, etc...

But we used to all be so much more alike... same interests and conversations... and it's amazing how drastically different things have become. Of course, I love every one of them to death and we will be forever friends, but I really don't have anything to contribute to the baby talk or the marriage talk and they don't have anything left to say about the dating or independent lifestyle.

Why do I feel like some people almost completely lose their self identity... they get so wrapped up in a guy or being a mother that they really do not see anything else in life??  I know those are two of the most important things to some people but it's difficult for some people to even attempt to have a conversation about anything else. 

"Let's be honest. Sometimes there is nothing harder in life than being happy for somebody else." -SATC

One conversation was a little about my blog and the negative energy I often have... am I really negative? I felt like I needed to defend my thoughts and words because I really don't think I am... I've just accepted that I'm not going to reach for this 'fantasyland' of a life that everyone thinks they {do or will} have. I mean, come on! If I did that, I think I'd never be satisfied. It's not going to be a bouquet of roses... I'll make the best out of what I have.. and yes, I hope that it's not all that I will ever have but if it is... well then, okay.

"Some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies." - SATC

M asked me if I was dating anyone to which I replied "NO"... then she asked 'why did you say it like you were glad?' I didn't realize I had said it that way but I didn't even have to think about it... I said "because I am... I don't worry about anyone but me... it can be a really big hassel and in the past the cost of a relationship has far outweighed the benefit...  and I'm thankful to be free at the moment." I just refuse to conform and buy into that being with a significant other will complete me and make my life so much better than I can make it on my own. Is that negative?

"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous." -SATC

Adventures in Babysitting

Day #1 with boss man this week went well... not as anal as usual and actually pretty enjoyable.

But of course the entire day couldn’t go smooth… I’m thinking I should change my official job title to “Full Time Babysitter” after receiving this today:

Hello Deanna,

I received a call today from the store manager at Wal Mart #---. The manager was very upset by ‘Retail Representative’… said she was rude to the associates and yelling that all the mangers go to lunch at the same time and she can never get any help. One retail associate got on the phone and said she was very loud and that they had customers around her when she was throwing her tantrum. Wanted you to know what was happening and let you know the manager said he does not want her to return.

Add that to a situation I had earlier this month where I had to let someone go for his third sexual harassment charge… the state approved his unemployment and I’m set to appeal this in court in a few weeks. Oh, and another rep’s friend called me last week to let me know that my rep would no longer be working because she is now in jail!!

It's no wonder why I have all of these grey hairs… and now 15 zits! Really?!? Isn’t that supposed to be one ‘plus’ to getting older… that you grow out of the acne era?? Of course not for me!!

It's getting cold, my skin is so pale, I never shave my legs anymore, I want to cut my hair but I committed to growing it out for Locks of Love again... ...oh man, it's going to be a long winter!

Uggh. The boss is in town for the next 3 days…

What would it be like if I had to go to an office everyday and actually work directly with a supervisor? I would die.

Am I ever going to make time to run again?

wedding crasher

I had every intention to really divulge a lot into my blog this evening but when I opened my work email I found and inbox full of complaints from my reps, I got a little pissed and have spent the past hour and half drafting an email. No one likes change, but come on people… it’s not the end of the world!! There is no way I can make everyone happy all the time… I won’t even attempt it… so you can either roll with it or look for another job!! I don’t even want to deal with your ass if you are going to try to tell me what to do. Some serious attitude adjustments need to be made and I think I made that point very clear in the message that was just sent. Ahhh… my blood is boiling all over again and I do not need this especially on a Sunday night when I already get major anxiety!

Okay… so the weekend… oh the weekend… it was so eventful. K and M got married!! … and I got way too drunk!!  Of course, I had to sing and dance like I was good at it or something.  It's so strange that when I have the option to make a fool of myself or not, I would actualy choose to.

.......I made out with a groomsman. I did not even like him.  I was just really bored and thought “I might as well… who cares...and my friends will think this is hilarious!” -Who thinks like that??? not good! And since when did kissing become so uneventful/unemotional for me? It was like I was shaking his hand for 20 minutes or something… I did not care at all… AND I even told him that!! Awkward and so not nice of me!! If someone said that to me (when I used to be normal and had feelings) I think I would have bursted into tears.

He lives in NC so the chance I’ll ever seen him again is not likely and I am COMPLETELY fine with that… in fact that was one of the bonuses in the whole premeditation of the make out session in the first place! He might have been one of the strangest characters I’ve ever met and so intriguing for some reason. I hope he has a good life…

Oh and I’m getting my own treadmill!!! I never thought I would be excited to say that, but I am!! Thanks to J and her family, I won’t have any excuses anymore!

Matrimania

What a day! Nope, I didn’t run. I don’t want to talk about that.

I was forwarded an email with a link to an online invitation to a singles auction (fundraiser). I attended last year pretty much just for the free food and to get some ‘face time’. To my surprise, I am part of the advertisement for this year’s event. Yep, there is my face…loud and clear… encouraging people to attend and rsvp! And guess what… nothing has changed for me since last year at this time!?!?!? I definitely can’t go this year… I mean, people might recognize me and think “isn’t that girl that the girl in the pic from last year? oh… she’s still single? That’s so sad.”

Single's Auction Advertisment

But I’m beginning to think singlehood is turning into a satisfying idea rather than an anxiety-ridden position… a sign of independence rather than a mark of shame… an opportunity to develop a variety of relationships rather than putting all emotional eggs into one basket.

Singlehood is no longer a state to be overcome as soon as possible. It has its own rewards. Marriage may not be the gateway to adulthood anymore. Sometimes I wonder if many couples really LOVE being married. I’d say for most people it's the dessert—desirable, but not the main course. I’d definitely choose singlehood over being in an unsatisfactory relationship. Neither the single or married life is an automatic ticket to bliss; much depends on the achievement of meaningful life goals and quality of the relationships you create.

"matrimania"- the glorification of marriage and, especially, the cultural obsession with weddings.

Even as singlehood is becoming increasingly more popular, people who choose to go through life solo are  kept in a state of confusion about their motives because our culture clings to the marriage standard. Singles are told that they are selfish for pursuing their own life goals. If you're single and you have a great job to which you devote energy, you're typically told your job won't love you back. Why are single people considered tragic losers in the game of love. Everyday we see commercials, images and endless articles that hint we can never be truly happy and deeply fulfilled unless we are married.

I don’t think about my wedding day… I never really have. You know how everyone says that “little girls dream about their wedding day their entire lives and they have it all planned out”? I really don’t. I’ve never seen that day in my head. Not because I’m against it or don’t want to but when I hear that statement and I wonder why I have never ‘dreamed’ of the day.

I think I am a better person when I am alone and single than if I’m with someone. I am focused. I can put the time and energy into whatever I want. Why does that sound so selfish and cynical? I don’t want my friends to think that I don’t believe in their marriages, because I DO!! I just see that as a good path for THEM and there are probably many positives to their married lives... but there may be more positives for me in a single life. I can eat when, where and what I want. I can travel…go wherever I want and when. I can spend money. I can stay up all night. I can watch what I want to watch. There is no jealously or trust issues to question. I can really do WHATEVER I want… ALL the time. What could be better than that? I still love and feel love… I have an overwhelming number of friends and family. It’s unbelievable. I love them so much. And they love me. So why do I care what people think of me and my photo advertising the KC Singles Auction?  I don’t. 

"For each person must be a self-sufficient individual to be happy."  I truly am self sufficient and I am happy (for this moment at least).

11.5.09

it's been a week since i last ran. am i throwing in the towel? i don't know... these cold weather sure makes it a lot harder... even though i have a treadmill to use at my parents... it's still a hassle to get dressed and drive over there.

i have to run tonight.  i just have to.  n said that she plans on signing up for the half marathon this weekend... i had planned to sign up at the same time she did.  gulp.  here comes the commitment...  ?

party's over...

Yep, the party is over for sure. That little ‘break’ I took from work, running, life, etc… is all over. The past month has consisted of countless hours of planning for the Halloween party and now I need something to quickly replace the time consumption and keep me distracted from _____... I don’t know- overanalyzing everything? I’ve never really even been a big Halloween person… I hate anything creepy and gross… never watch scary movies, etc. So why did Halloween become such a big deal all of a sudden? Maybe because it’s the one night out of the entire year you get to get all dressed up and completely be someone/something you are not. You can 100% escape into a character that is not stressed about a job, money, health, etc. Isn’t that what a lot of people try to do everyday… put on a ‘mask’? This is the one day you can and no one will think anything of it. I had a great time and I truly have some great friends! Now it’s back to life and I’m completely hating it… change needs to come soon.

This is probably going to be too much information, but I don’t care. When did my feet start to look so gross?? Not only am I seeing wrinkles on my face, grey’s in my hair, but now my feet are starting to look like old people’s. I remember looking at older people’s feet a long time ago and thinking “wow, what happened to their toe nails, heals, etc”.  I mean, I take care of my feet but after years and years of cramming them in pointed high heels, they are bound to start looking a little beat up.  I’m only writing about all of this because I was discussing it with my cousin earlier and asked what the hell was going on with my feet… her reply was that it’s because we are getting OLD!

I haven’t ran since last Thursday… so tomorrow should be a really fun one…

Dreadmill: n. formerly known as the treadmill

I woke up today, alive and well. So my premonition from last night was false…. BUT I did wake up and log into facebook to find that my neighbor had heard that same strange music blaring for almost 3 hours and he actually called the police to complain. I’m telling you… it was not normal and it was still on my mind all day today.

Today was very productive… as it should be because tomorrow is the last day I have to prepare for the party. My costume is almost complete… just need to add a few more touches tomorrow and I should be good to go. Too bad that it absolutely poured down rain all day today and there is no chance it will be dry by Saturday. My carpet is going to be ruined…

I also ran on the “dreadmill” today… 2 miles in 23 mins. Still not getting any easier… and I was evening watching TV for distraction. Okay…seriously… what in the hell am I going to do when I have to run 5 or 6 miles during the real training???

Dreadmill:  noun (formerly known as a treadmill)
1. a kind of mill wheel turned by the weight of persons treading steps arranged around its circumference: formerly used as an instrument of prison discipline (hmmm... really?  and now people actually want to do this for fun??  I don't think so... )
2. a mill driven by an animal treading a sloping, endless belt (just consider me a lab rat now)
3. any monotonous round of duties, work, etc. in which one seems to get nowhere  (yep, that pretty much sums it up)
4. a stationary exercise machine, often with speed controls, handles, etc., consisting of a short, wide conveyor belt on which a person walks or runs

10.27.2009

I have the most extreme anxiety right now. I’m really not feeling well at all. I can hear a very faint sound coming from outside my window. I can’t really describe the sound but it kind of reminds me of the “Super Mario Bros” music played in fast forward. I mean it’s 1am… my neighbors are never up making noise this late… especially on a Wednesday night. The sound kind of goes away for a few moments and then it comes back… I honestly think its causing the anxiety… its like that music that is playing on a movie when you know something major is about to happen and the music starts getting faster and faster and louder and louder. It’s just creepy and I feel like something might happen tonight… I’m kind of scared to fall asleep.

"clearly" people should mind thier own business...

One more day and that little ticker to the right will be under 600! I’m not going down without a fight on this one though… I just finished making seven gallons of ‘apple pie and everclear’ shots for Saturday! The guy behind me at Hy-vee asked “what on earth could you be doing with all of that everclear?” Jokingly, I laughed and said “oh, its for a Halloween party I’m having this weekend”… he said “and how many fatalities do you plan on having?” Now I could tell he wasn’t joking and I could feel him judging me and making me feel like I’m some kind of irresponsible adult. Back off buddy… and MYOB!

But why did I care so much?  Was I really doing something wrong?  I mean it's not like I'm serving up heroin.  My friends will drink responsibly...right?  I'm praying...

10.25.09

Wednesday…really? That was my last post? What in the heck have I been doing since then and how did time go by so fast?? I’ve been waiting for a profound topic or a significant experience to write about but nothing has come up and I definitely don’t want to waste my time typing or waste the time of people who actually read this.

The weather is drastically changing and I absolutely hate cold, rainy days! Are you just trying to make me depressed, God?? I’ve been forced to run inside lately and have been using my parent’s treadmill. I don’t think that my previous time/distance measurements have been correct because when I do a 5 mph pace (12 min mile)… I am full out sprinting and can not get through it. Uggh. Have I already reached my plateau? I mean seriously… it’s getting a little ridiculous that I’ve stopped seeing improvements.

Last Wednesday, I attended a self defense training… what an eye-opener. Why do I feel so invincible? I’m definitely the girl that goes to Walmart at 2am just for the heck of it. I know it’s not smart but for some reason I’ve always thought ‘oh, that would never happen to me’…. But it CAN!! As I’m trying to make some self improvements… I’ll add this to the list. I need to become more aware of the world around me and be more cautious and protective of my life and well being.

I also happened to read my horoscope that morning... it told me I should purchase a lottery ticket.  I had Chinese for lunch that day and I kept my fortune from the fortune cookie to play those 5 numbers on the back. The fortune even said "soon you will receive good news"  I just had a feeling about this one... I get these feeling when there is going to be a drawing or some sort of raffle... I can kind of sense that I'm going to win and many times, I actually do!!  Here lately though, not so much.  But I could feel my luck about to change, especially since everything was aligning so well and Wednesday night happens to be the drawing night... so I bought 3 poweball tickets about 10 minutes before they closed down sales... all 3 tickets lost.  I didn't even get one number!!  wtf!
To my horoscope and fortune cookie:  thanks for wasting my time and money!!

Halloween party planning is in full swing and I actually feel like I accomplished something today. I still have a ton to do but I’m feeling a lot better.

My New Year ’s Eve plans have begun to churn in my head and I’m either thinking road trip to Washington DC or week at the beach. I’ve never been to DC and it’s been on my list of places I want to visit. I seem to be getting some static from friends about this solitary trip… but I think it sounds PERFECT. We’ll see…. I can’t think about it until after Saturday. Need to go work on my ‘disco stick’ now…

Mi Famiglia

An excerpt from another letter I wrote to C tonight:

I went to the cemetery today to see Momo and Uncle J. It was the first time I’ve been there since they put her headstone down. I lost it. I sat there for almost two hours and I couldn’t even get a clear thought to go through my head. I had gone with intentions of talking to her… updating her on my life and everyone else as well. I tried but I couldn’t… the only thing I was able to do was close my eyes and picture her standing at the stove stirring the pot of sugu… I could see her coming around the corner in her wheelchair and one of us helping her back to her spot on the couch. I saw her sitting there by the Christmas tree opening my $1 gag gift that was a car air freshener shaped like a hand giving the middle finger. I could taste her breaded steak, fried meatballs and sphinges... I could even smell that familiar scent coming from the bar of Dove soap that was always in the hall bathroom.

Even as I’m writing this the thoughts and memories are flooding my mind once again. I am thinking about how in her final months, although I was there to visit often, I didn’t really converse with her the way that I should have. I only remember asking her if she needed more water, helping her to the bathroom, getting her another pillow, fixing the blanket, changing the channel, etc… why didn’t I talk to her?? She was able to talk just fine… she was conscious and aware the entire time… why didn’t I have better conversations with her?? But then again, it wouldn’t have been normal to make every conversation seem like it would be our last, right? I guess I was also in denial… deep down I kept thinking that she’d get better… that this would pass and everything would go back to how it was. I never thought about her not being in my life.

So I was a mess today… as I was sitting there I seriously thought I was crazy. I was looking down at the stone and said “What are you doing down there, Momo?”… Then I’d look up because I was like “oh wait… maybe I should be looking up at heaven instead of down at the ground”… I didn’t have a clue… and I know there is no right or wrong here but I am totally lost when it comes to dealing with my emotions sometimes. It was so hard for me to breathe, and I felt like I could get sick at any moment.

And yeah, everyone says ‘you can still talk to her…she’s listening and she’ll hear you’ but it’s not the same to me. I want her here. I want her to respond….and not with ‘signs’… I want her to really respond to me. I want her to know what I’m doing and I want to see her facial expressions when I tell her what I’m up to.

I never really thought about and appreciated the amount of love that she had for all of us. You know, she is the reason we are all so close. If it wasn’t for our Sunday gatherings every week growing up we wouldn’t be the tight knit family we are. She adored us. She was always smiling when we were all together. And she was always so proud. I can honestly say that I love my entire family and am so grateful for being brought up the way that we were. And yes, there are times that I go crazy because I can’t stand all the questions and constant ‘chatter’…but I don’t think I’d trade it for any other way because at least I know they care.
We are so lucky.

super..ticious

I ran..... 2.1 miles..... 24 mins, 11 sec..... SUPER!!

So what was so different about today than Monday? Don’t get me wrong... this round was still more difficult than my previous 2.1 mile runs... but at least I didn't feel like I was going to die the entire time... just extremely nauseated throughout...

The only thing that was consciously different was the sports bra I was wearing... yes, it sounds weird... but for the past week I had been wearing this old sports bra from somewhere around my freshman year of high school era. I thought about it before heading out today and I dug out one of my newer ones that I had been wearing (back when I’d come home proud) and I said to myself 'if I can get through the run today, I’m blaming the bra for my recent difficulties'. So… out with the old, in with the new!

You know what they say...

"the way you spend new years is the way you will spend the rest of the year"...

When I think about this statement... it has actually been 100% true for me the past several years.

(NYE 2006-2007) I was with J... we began the morning with an argument as he was late driving into town for the Chiefs game… and it was later that afternoon he surprised me and told me he had accepted a job in KC and would be moving here in 3 weeks! He moved... we were together in the same city for almost that entire year (8 months) but because of constant disagreements, we broke up and he went back to St. Louis that fall.

(NYE 2007-2008) I was with B... we didn't have any plans because we were both too stubborn and selfish and wouldn’t agree on spending the night with my friends or his friends. We started the night hanging out with his parents and ended up at B&D's that night. He proceeded to get extremely drunk as usual and fell and broke their coffee table. I was so embarrassed and later that night I told him I couldn't handle his drinking anymore and I didn't want to see him anymore. We argued until 5am that night... the next day he couldn’t remember a single minute of the entire evening. That year (much like that night) was a back and forth battle until the final straw early that September when we would no longer speak.

(NYE 2008-2009) And last year... well, last year we went out. A big group…all my friends. It was one of those package deals... everyone got all dressed up and ready for a good ‘ol time. Everyone was also with a significant other (except me) and it just so happened that in the last 30 seconds of 2008 I conveniently had to pee and I quickly ducked out of the “coupled room” and dashed for the stall. I waited in there until that horrible song was good an over then suddenly reappeared. It worked perfectly. And yep... this pretty much sums up this past year... Beyonce's "Single Ladies" became my theme song, I attended 5 weddings- all of which included 'and guest' on the invite... but 'none' on the response, and now I'm anxiously anticipating plans for this year's festivities as the chatter has already begun.

**(NYE 2009-2010) Although last year was fun... I can't do that again. It might seem pathetic back to back years... And I really need some new and exciting ventures in 2010. I need to get out and go somewhere. Maybe I'll go to Florida or something. N (and maybe B) might be my only hope for people would would come with me.  Either way, I'm going to plan something spontaneous...    (hmmm... is that an oxymoron?)

Sunday demons

Well, this morning began with a phone call from N who had just finished the “First Annual Halloween Run” in St. Louis. She was anxiously awaiting the results and her official time because she was sure they ran 6 miles at a 9 min pace. Pretty disgusting if you ask me (only because I got upset that I know I’ll be running the half marathon alone the spring because there is no way I’ll be able to keep up with her).

So...I immediately got out of bed and put the shoes on.  And now it’s official… I spoke way too soon when I said I was impressed with myself and things seemed to be getting easier. I seriously thought about throwing in the towel on the entire thing… Today was like the first day all over again… I DON”T KNOW WHAT THE DEAL IS and it’s sooo frustrating!! I couldn’t even run 1 full mile today!! It took me 14 mins to run/walk it!!  I thought for sure I’d be able to do it because it wasn’t even that cold out. I also saw an even bigger snake that I did a few weeks ago and was about 1 inch from stepping on it! Aren’t snakes a premonition for something bad that’s about to happen? That’s the meaning behind them in your dreams anyway… maybe this is a sign. No, D… get it together… quit being a whiny wimp! {just at little angel vs. devil chat there for a sec}.

Tonight was J’s first night back at my house and it also happens to be her 30th birthday! She’d seemed normal… pretty much the same as when I saw her last which helped ease some of my anxiety and fears of what will happen to me in 609 days… I guess people survive…….. good to know.

Good

It's been a long time since I could say I had a 'good day'... but it’s possible I could consider today one. I put in some serious family time all day and night… which was good because I got to hang out with my grandma and uncle who I haven’t seen in 3 years! Between dinner and heading back to my parents to watch the Mizzou game, I stopped by my house to get Rocco and the mail. I almost peed my pants when I saw a letter from C!! He wrote me back!! I couldn’t even wait to open it. It was such a long letter and sooo good! He’s okay but I can tell he is lonely and really missing ‘life’. It’s hard because I just want to be able to respond right away (like a normal phone call, text or email conversation) but then I realize that even if I write him today, by the time he gets it… the news will be over 4 days old. I guess it’s better than nothing. I plan to get some more pictures printed tomorrow so I can mail those as well… he said pics and letters are what keep him going.
A few excerpts I enjoyed from the letter:

“I mean, where are we going to go?? If we can squeeze through the 4 inch wide window, there is a fence with 3 rows of razor wire. If we get through that, there is another fence with 5 rows of razor wire… and if we can get through that, they will find us bleeding to death on the hill.”

“The bed and pillow are like… well, go get your Sunday paper, lay down in your driveway and use the paper as a pillow – that’s an accurate comparison”

“and just like Shawshank – they’re all innocent in here… LOL!”

“As for your marathon training… I can run 3 miles in 25 mins so I think you need to pick up the pace”

“P.S. I’ve lost 6 lbs already, food is pure SHIT!!”

I loved every word of it.


The icing on the cake tonight… KU lost!!! It was quite the nail bitter and I realized that I definitely get more enjoyment from a KU loss than an MU win. I think there may be something dark and twisted about that... probably not a good way to live life… oh well!

I go to bed now with a smile on my face. Not a big one though because B's botox blog made me notice that I’m already getting permanent smile wrinkles around my eyes and mouth :)

Crap

I feel like all of my hard work I've done with running thus far was just flushed down the toilet. I took 4 days off... the longest ever and I tried to run my normal two mile route today and couldn't do it. Yes, I pushed myself. Yes, I am aware I've done it before. And yes, I know I could do it again... just wasn't going to be today. I felt worse than I did when I first started this whole gig. Is it the cold weather?? I did feel like my lungs were on fire....

Anyway... I completed the 2 miles but I had to do a series of walk/run/walk/run jaunts... it took me 27 mins. Wtf? So discouraging!

J moves back in with me tomorrow for 3 weeks, and I've got family in town all weekend. I need to get this place in order TODAY as my hoarding OCD has been in full effect this week in prep for the Halloween party. I struggle with new ideas to make this year's better than last. So far... I've got nothing! Well, except for my costume(s)... I have 3 and am very excited for the costume changes throughout the evening!

C seems to be doing okay for now. The letter that I sent to him was given to the legal department for investigation and was marked "ILLEGAL" because I included stamped envelopes and blank paper. They really want him to have to buy it from the commissary! Just goes to show you that not everything you see in the movies is real! I’m still waiting to hear if they finally gave him the note and photos at least. He’s made a few friends… said that everyone seems to be nice. He doesn’t get much sleep though because they do bed checks like every two hours and have to physically get out of bed to be counted (a pretty big hassle because he’s on the top bunk!)

He still hasn’t found anything too edible at meal time… so he’s been saving the two pieces of bread they get with every meal to make his own peanut butter and jelly. Once a week he can order from the commissary things like salt and pepper, soap, toothpaste, pb&j, etc… He also said that his pillow is like sleeping on a piece of paper so he went to the bathroom and got a roll of toilet paper to stuff it and make it fluffier. Another guy he knows was just added to his 80 person pod this week… so that’s good. He now knows two of the guys in his pod… they can spend the day and most of the evening with anyone in their pod… then they have an 8 person room that they share sleeping quarters with at night. Breakfast is at 5:30, lunch at 10:30, dinner at 5:30… he’s received a lot of books, cards and letters to keep him busy… but he’s still VERY bored. 2 weeks down… hang in there C… 70 weeks (or less) to go!!

Grey vs. Gray

So which is it?? I've been googling for 20 mins and haven't found the exact answer... apparently both spellings are acceptable?? Weird.

I was wondering this because I knew exactly what I was going to write about tonight and have been dreading the reality since 3:00 this afternoon when I was sitting in my car at a stop light…

Have you ever looked in that little mirror that’s on flip side of your car visor? DON’T DO IT! Why do I look so different in that mirror outside in natural sunlight than I do in my own bathroom?? I can seriously see inside every single pore on my face, I noticed that my eyebrows are out of control… AND…………5 grey hairs along my hairline!!! No, this is not an exaggeration… my hair was pulled back in a headband and I could see them… neatly pulled back… just hanging out with all the others… clear as day… like it was normal or something. I felt like someone had just punched me in the stomach. Why does everyone act like and tell me I’m SO young when I talk about my ‘turning 30 crisis’?? That does not happen to young people!! I really do not want to have grey hair!

And is Izzy really leaving GREY'S??

10.14.09

Yep... the entire month came and went... just like that my library book was due today and as I went to take the bookmark out I was reminded that I had only read 6 pages!!  Why can't I get into reading!?!?

And to make matters worse... today was my third day off from running... I haven't gone this long since I started so I'm sure when I attempt tomorrow I will be in complete hell.  I do have a little bit of injury I'm recovering from so that has been my excuse.  I'm starting to feel that same pain in my lower shins and feet again... maybe I didn't stretch enough last time... maybe the cold temperature had something to do with it.  What are the chances my parents would let me have their treadmill for 6 months so I can run inside??  not likely...

Before Sunrise, Part Deux

Part une

I was having this awful nightmare that I was 28.  And then I woke up and I was only 23.  So relieved.  And then I woke up for real, and I was 28.

Am I getting worse?  Am I improving?  I don't know.  When I was younger... I was healthier, but I was stacked with insecurities.  Now I'm older, my problems are deeper, but I'm more equipped to handle them.

I often enjoy the goal but not the process.

I guess when you're young, you just believe there'll be many people with whom you'll connect with. Later in life, you realize it only happens a few times. And you can screw it up... you know... misconnect...

It's funny...Every single one of my ex-es... they're now in serious long term relationships! It’s like they go out with me, we break up, and then they really hit it off!  I can just picture them thanking me later for teaching them what love is and how to care and respect women!

I think I'm designed to feel slightly dissatisfied all the time.

I satisfy one desire, and it just agitates another, you know? But isn’t desire the fuel of life? I mean, do you think it's true that if...we never wanted anything, we'd never be unhappy? I mean, it's healthy to desire, right? Or is it true that if you free yourself from want, you’ll find that you already have everything you need?

How is it possible that people have a multi-year relationship… they break up and they forget. They move on like they just changed cereal.  And why is it that some of the seemingly insignificant relationships are the most damaging…

Maybe for me it's better I don't romanticize things as much anymore. I'd be suffering all the time. I'd still have lots of dreams, but just not in regard to my love life. It doesn't make me sad, it's just the way it is. Obviously, I can't deal with the day to day life of a relationship. Most of them have been long distance... far away enough that keep the right amount of space between the two of us. Yeah, we’d have this exciting time together on the weekends and then he’d leave and I’d miss him, but at least I wasn’t dying inside. When someone is always around me, I'm suffocating. Don’t get me wrong… I still feel the need to love and be loved... but when I do, it quickly makes me nauseous!  I'm a disaster...I mean, I'm really happy only when I'm on my own… or do I just keep telling myself that? … {a disaster}…

Memory is a wonderful thing if you don't have to deal with the past.

You know what I love about Rocco? It's that...every morning I take him outside...And every single morning...he looks at everything like it was the first time! Every corner, every tree, every plant...He smells everything with his little cute nose...

Hoarding

Of course my DVR is full and it's mostly because I was gone all last week... I've been having a good time catching up on everything until I just watched last Thursday's Oprah. The topic was hoarding... I can not believe how people live!! It has opened my eyes to organization and purchases. I am by no means as bad as these people on the show but I do think that I might be a closet hoarder. Sure on the outside and to others my home looks neat and clean but if you were open the cabinets, drawers or look at my basement you'd agree. And I'm not just talking about the normal basement 'stuff' everyone has thrown down there... Remember back to one of my first posts... when I mentioned that I've kept every receipt from everything I've ever purchased! It's bad!

So I made another addition to my bucket list... I want to get organized and stay organized. My goal will be to go through every single drawer, cabinet, shoebox, closet, and box.

And as if the show wasn't a big enough sign... as I was typing this entry I received one of those automated phone calls telling me that the donation service would have a truck in my neighborhood tomorrow morning for pick up. (Yes, they call me all the time... but the timing was perfect!)

today

2.2 miles in 24 mins 11 seconds.  That's pretty good right? 

V told me that I should feel like I'm going to die when I've just had a good run... well that happened about 1.1 miles into it this morning so that must make me superwoman!  I'm dripping in sweat and it's only 37 degrees outside!

Slacker

Wow, I've become quite the slacker these days, huh? I’m not a quitter though! I’m back from my week long escapade in Arkansas and I’ll have a lot more time to write.

Okay, Running:
I was only able to run one day while I was out of town… I semi counted the ropes course as a minor work out but I knew it wasn’t going to count as equally as running. So… I had 3 days off in between runs and I could definitely tell. Yesterday I ran outside and couldn’t make it past 17 mins. It didn’t help that this was the coldest day of my attempt… but if I can’t get through when it’s 55 outside… what am I going to do when it’s -5 outside??? I really did try to push through it yesterday and make it to 25 mins because I know I’m capable but I started to feel some serious pain in my shins and thighs and thought that I had maybe pulled something. Any suggestions on what to do when it’s cold outside?? It can’t be all that healthy to be running/sweating when it’s freezing… this sounds like it’s pneumonia just waiting to happen all over again.

10.07.09

So it’s been a very rough couple of days. Notice it’s been a while since I’ve had the chance to write anything. … pretty sure I’ve gotten about 8 hours of sleep total in the past 3 days. One more day of meetings tomorrow and I’m home free. Today I did a team building exercise with my work group. We spent almost the entire day at a ropes course and learned a lot about ourselves and each other. Surprisingly, it was so much better than I thought it would be. I learned that I need to work on my patience a lot! I am the youngest member of my team by at least 10 years and many of the physical challenges were more difficult for everyone else. This was just the thing I needed to rejuvenate myself and get focused on my job again. Every few months I am guilty of losing interest and not really putting a lot of effort into anything I’m doing.

I sent C a letter today. I’m so excited for him to receive and read it even though I didn’t really have anything profound to say. It was just some simple questions and updates about me. I know he’ll love receiving and I’m going to try to write to him every week. I also learned a few things from my favorite movies like Shawshank Redemption and The Hurricane… I sent him some blank paper and stamped envelopes. It doesn’t sound like I’ll have an opportunity to visit him because he is limited to a list of only 5 people. Other than that, it sounds like he is doing okay for now… making deals and trading food already!

I cannot wait to get back home tomorrow.

I know it’s been a while since my last blog… I have just been non stop for the past week and the week ahead does not look any better. I’m dead tired so this is going to be a short and sweet update.


I did run on Saturday afternoon for 25 mins by myself through my neighborhood. This was the second time I’ve used the iPOD and this time I liked it even better because I used my old 1998 style headphones that go over my head like a headband.

Tonight was a difficult and emotional evening for my family. You may remember my FML posting a few weeks ago… (for those who aren’t familiar with the latest terminology… “FML” stands for “F*@# my life”). It’s not a secret anymore… tomorrow afternoon my cousin will be relocated and housed by the government for a maximum of 18 months…

a moment of weakness

I texted P tonight... just asked what he was doing. I don't know why I did it... it was a long drive back home and I was having really bad life anxiety. He said he was out with some neighbors, so I said it was no big deal. Two hours later (around 11pm) he called me. He hasn't called me in over a month...

We talked for over an hour! Why did he act like it was normal? Don't get me wrong, I loved every minute and I never wanted to get off the phone. He is so hilarious and easy to talk to. The ending was pretty awkwardly uncomfortable as usual though. It's never "I'll call you later" or "I'll talk to you next week"... It always seems to be like "Good talking to you... have a good weekend"... like that is the last time we might ever acknowledge each others existence. Yes, I have read and watched the movie 'He's just not that into you'. I know... I don't care. I love him. I hate him.

I'll take full responsibility for this one... it's so me to want to add to the 'life anxiety' I was already having. But damn it felt good at the time. Kind of like when you keep eating that Indian food because it tastes so good... you're getting full and you know you should stop but it's just not as good in the micro the next day... about 2 hours later you begin to question if it was really worth all the pain you are now experiencing??  I have a feeling this is very similar to what it might feel like to be addicted to cocaine or something.  Yeah, that pretty much sums up my relationship experiences.

Tonight...totally my fault... and now I have to go lay in the bed I made. Goodnight.

What a Gas!

I absolutely hate getting gas. It ranks extremely high among my least favorite things to do in life. Not because I hate spending the money because I don't even have to pay for it with my company vehicle.... ( I can only imagine how much more I would hate it if it was coming out of my own pocket!) I feel like I'm always on the go and having to stop to get gas is such a waste of time! I hate having to get out of the car and stand in the wind, rain, snow, heat, etc... I hate touching that little lever and nozzle, and I hate standing in a puddle of other random liquid like a half drank coke or spilled gas. The smell is about the only thing I do like!

I don't think I have ever filled up the tank before the gage is all the way down to "E" (unless I'm gearing up for a big road trip with friends or something). Yes, even if it says I have 5 miles to empty and I'm passing an exit, I will wait for the next one... (did you know that when it says '0 miles to empty' you can go at least another 15 miles?? That's about the max I've tried but I'm sure I can push it a little further.

Yes, I have run out of gas on a few occasions and that's definitely an even bigger waste of time but... well, I don't really have an excuse. I know... not getting gas when your tank is low is probably one of the laziest things ever!! I mean, the little thing tells you when you need to fill up... there is no guess work involved and yet I still defy 2-3 times every week...

So I pull into a Joplin gas station about an hour ago... I'm standing there waiting for it to fill up and I feel a pretty decent amount of spray shooting onto my body... I turned around and see that the entire thing is spraying out of my car and all over the place! The little nozzle did not 'click' to stop it automatically and it was overflowing out of my car! No exaggeration here... I mean, gas is seriously spraying on my face!!

My next car will be solar powered.

Last day of September

I'm on the road this week so I decided to try out the treadmill at my hotel tonight. I know… everyone has told me NOT to run on treadmills because it’s not as good of a work out… but I actually kind of liked it. I did one of the predetermined routes that changed the incline throughout and I think I was definitely going at a faster pace than my normal run. I set the timer for 25 mins and…….. ran the ENTIRE time! Thanks to Howie Mandel and “Deal or No Deal” playing on the television, I was distracted enough to make it through the entire time!! This was probably the most I’ve sweated since I started this training.


Cougar Town: Not quite as hilarious as the pilot but I still thoroughly enjoyed. And by far the best part of the show was the 'single ladies' montage.  Is it bad that I thought that looked like a fun night??  I have some of those same pics and plan to have many more.  Man, I really don’t want to leave my twenties!!! 
Favorite quotes:

I’m not ready for him to see my morning face. So I set two alarms… one at 4 and one at 5. I get up and do my hair and make up, then I go back to bed, fake asleep until the next alarm goes off and then he thinks I wake up looking like this!

You know… people can’t unhear the things you say…

You’re too old for this crap… you look pathetic

Just do me a favor and stop trying to drag me into your little ‘where did all the years go, nervous breakdown thing’ you seem to be going through.

Remember when you didn’t smile at your baby because you thought it would give you mouth wrinkles?

“MONSTAR!"

On another note: Yesterday Arkansas started selling scratch off Lottery tickets for the first time ever and it seems so weird that it’s all the ‘rage’ right now. Everywhere I went today, I could over hear people talking about how they were going to the gas station to get gas and get a new lottery ticket. One lady was even talking about how excited she is for when they finally get the powerball in a few months so she doesn’t have to drive up to Missouri anymore to purchase her tickets. It was all over the news too and they were reminding people to recycle their loosing tickets because they’ve sold so many and are concerned about the extra wasted paper. Just thought this was weird news. I guess I didn’t realize what a luxury it is to be able to play the lotto even though I never do.

An all day and nighter

Nothing to write about tonight… I’m exhausted.

I woke up at 2am to drive to Springfield. Did some work there for a few hours then drove to Bentonville, AR for our company open house. Had to go work on a new store that is opening tomorrow and I’m just now getting back to my hotel. Yep… that’s 2am-12am straight! A 22 hour day with just one lunch and dinner break.

Also, I can't stand all of the DMB comments that are flying around facebook these days... I wish he'd hurry up and get his KC concert over with tomorrow because it's causing me anxiety.  If you don't know why... read here.

setting a new standard

Today was supposed to be my day off from running but I had some volunteer companions so I decided to go for it.... and V & T sure took me on a wild run tonight…

First, they loaded up my borrowed iPod with T’s workout list and I used the iPod for the very first time!! It was weird. I felt like I was cheating on myself because I’ve been so against them for so long. It was actually really great! Secondly, it was so nice to run through their neighborhood for a change of scenery. Third, they really pushed me further than I would have pushed myself. I didn’t want her to tell me the distance until we were done. Drum roll please………………. 2.5 miles!! O-M-G! We ran it in around 25 minutes. I was definitely hurting but I wouldn’t say I was dying. We even sprinted the last 30 seconds back home!

I’m really excited and proud of myself. I’m absolutely shocked that I’ve stuck with this for this long…and I have to admit that I had very strong doubts that I’d keep up with it when I first started.

Oh and for those that were wondering… P (the a-hole I was referring to in yesterday’s blog) did write me back… there was one more exchange yesterday afternoon but nothing of significance. I didn’t respond to his last message… he didn’t ask me a question and I was just annoyed that he was acting like it was totally normal to be texting me. I must be a dumb one because I just don’t get it.

Holy, Holy Crap

I think I would’ve rather gone to church for 60 mins this morning than run those 12 mins. I might have to cut alcohol from my diet until April 10th. .........that sucked.

Weiners and A-holes

J had a fun little "Weiner Roast" last night at her new house. It was great to hangout with all the gals and their hubbies… we haven’t done that in a long time. I want to give a shout out to Q right now because he is such a loyal reader of my blog (as I found out through our conversation last night) :)

M (the guy from Thursday night’s Ladies Night) texted me early in the evening… wasn’t expecting that! He was pretty cautious and ‘just wanted to see if I was going out’. I told him I was with friends and probably not headed in the direction they were going. His response… ‘right on’. Weird. I don’t know anyone that says that. It must be a new thing the ‘kids’ are saying these days. I’m really not excited about him… I mean he’s cute and all but I just don’t think it would be worth my time for some reason. I probably won’t accept anymore pursuits but I was a little flattered that he did actually contact me.

I got a second text early in the evening from someone else I wasn’t expecting to hear from. Three weeks ago I wrote about some intense emotions in my 'before sunrise' and in my ‘cleaning house’ blogs...  I was referring to the situation I thought I had cleared with P… I made it very cut and dry that I was done following him around like a little puppy dog and put the ball in his court for any future interaction… I was over it. I was done sitting by the phone analyzing why he would and wouldn’t call me at times. I was done…that is, until I heard from him last night. Why?

Why are guys such a holes? I mean, I am by no means an angel… especially, this past year because I know I’ve done the same thing several times to guys... I am the perfect example of liking someone until they like me back… once they make it easy and want to hang out all the time, I don’t. And it sucks when it gets flipped. I actually really liked P… probably the most I’ve liked someone since my singlehood and for the longest period of time…why is liking someone so poisonous!?!?

And why did I like him so much...Because it was very inconvenient? Because he made it a challenge? I don’t know why… but I finally woke up and made the cut… it was hard but it’s been 3 weeks since then and I was moving along just fine. And it’s so frustrating that all it takes is a random text to snap me right back? I shouldn’t have wrote him back last night… I shouldn’t have been so nice… I shouldn’t have asked him a question… I shouldn’t be wondering why he hasn’t replied back. Come on D, get it together!!

I think now is a good time for me to go do my run for the day. I’m probably going to set a record for myself with all of the adrenaline I have pumping at the moment.

On another note: I checked out the library book on September 15th… I read 6 pages that night and haven’t touched it since.

I cheated...

I was supposed to run yesterday according to my “every other day plan” but I had to travel for work and as you can read below… when I got home from “ladies night” I was in no condition to walk a straight line, let alone run around my neighborhood. Back on track tonight and I just got back from my 12.5 minute route. Skipping that extra day in there wasn’t too terribly bad… I even improved my time to 12 minutes flat and said “hello” to 4 people along the way! (I know that might seem meaningless to you, but for me… that could have been costly and you never know when you might need that extra breath you just gave out for free)

No word from Mr. Waiter from last night... B seems to think he is going to do the whole 'cool guy' thing and wait 3 days... whatever.  I don't really care if he ever calls me.  I didn't even speak to him last night...what in the hell would I say to him on the phone!?!?

T minus 75 minutes until kickoff…
M-I-Z…

Ladies Night

Tonight was a lot of fun... more fun than I've had in a long time. It was Ladies Night at Briarcliff Village... There were great discounts at all of the shops... plus most of them were serving free wine and snacks like smoked salmon, brie and crackers, brownies, goat cheese bruschetta, etc. Again, if you don't know me... you don't know how much I love FREE anything so that alone made it a great night!! Although most of the merchandise is way out of my price range (like $250 for a shirt) I still had fun pretending like we were vacationing in the Hamptons… I even spoke with a British accent to hostess and our waitress at dinner.

I noticed a somewhat cute guy working at the restaurant while we were waiting to be seated… he definitely came to our table several times to bring our food and clear our plates even though he wasn’t our server. I’m drunk… of course I think he’s cute… whatever. When our waitress brings the bill she asks the question: “the guys want to know if any of you girls are single?”… I quickly respond “I am!”  My friends began asking which guy… they mention that I had been eying the blonde earlier… and she says “That’s my son!” ………..AWKWARD!

So I ask my possibly soon-to-be future mother-in-law (now in my non-british accent) how old her son is… this seems to always be the first question from me these days. “25”…nope, that would make me a ‘cougar’! I can’t do it. I just can’t for some reason. BUT, my friends insist we move to the bar for one last chocolate martini in hopes that we might be able to strike up a convo with him… and the matchmaking begins…

He was really shy… I could tell he was embarrassed maybe because his mom was in all of this as well. It didn’t go so smooth… I was nervous and embarrassed too… it just wasn’t a comfortable situation. But why? Even A asked me why I was so nervous and doubted myself so much… I’ve thought about this on a handful of occasions because I never used to be this way. I used to be able to ‘own’ every situation and wouldn’t shed an ounce of care or doubt onto it. I know exactly why I’ve become this way… it’s because I’m the girl that got knocked off of her horse so hard she still can’t get back on it. It’s almost been 2 years… I’ve definitely dated since then and I’ve definitely exuded a highly cynical attitude towards relationships since then. I’m just not sure anyone can ever be 100% trusted. Everyone has told a lie… even if it’s the smallest one ever. I often think that if I just don’t invest myself with anyone it would be impossible for me to get hurt. Is there anything wrong with that or am I just saying that to make myself feel better? I don’t know.

Okay, that was getting too deep and I think that was a lot of wine talking… back on the topic… T gave M my number without my knowledge… we’ll see what happens. I’m going to say there is a 99% chance nothing will happen...   It was just really funny to laugh about it at the time...

Son or Boyfriend??

Uverse installation today… Love it!!

My new favorite show of the season.................... Cougar Town! HIL-AR-I-OUS!! I don’t think I’ve laughed out loud that much at a television show ever. I have a feeling that is going to be my life… heck, I almost feel as though it’s like that now. I know, I know… I’m only 28 and most people consider ‘cougar-ing’ to be referring to women in their 40s… but I’m positive that countdown clock to 30 is giving me similar feelings.

These days there are cougar conventions, dating sites and last week I heard that Carnival is going to have a 3-day ‘Cougar Cruise’! What is going on with this whole new phenomena?? Has it always been there or is it a new thing for women to be older and single? God, I hope not. I still haven’t made up my mind about whether the term 'cougar' is an insult or compliment... and Courtney Cox sure is making it both (less and more) stressful to think about getting older and being single.

 Some of my favorite lines from the show:

All the single guys at our age are either broken, gay or chasing younger girls.

I have to act my age... I mean, one night out on the prowl and the next thing you know I'm at a Jonas Brothers concert wearing a mini skirt and sporting some giant collagen hot dog lips.

Man, you are hot as balls….. I’m sorry this my second drink.

You left that at the bar bitch!

“what’s that scar from?” “oh, I got knifed when I was a kid” “really?” “nope, that’s from my c-section”

9.22.09

I ran 12.5 minutes tonight!! I added an extra lap to my normal route which also added another huge hill. Surprisingly, no pain! I felt like I could have gone another 2 mins but I didn’t want to push it. I am shocked at how fast I’m seeing results. I still don’t enjoy the act but its fun when I’m done!!

B & D let me borrow an old iPOD of theirs to ‘test the waters’ before I made any quick decisions about buying one. I downloaded iTunes but after that, I didn’t have a clue what to do… I’m right back to square one - frustrated - because it wouldn’t sync...

Rocco is much better… he went back to the vet today for a follow up and one more test. Apparently, he decided to snack on some bird or rabbit poop and that bacteria is what was making him sick.

I’d also like to take a moment to endorse a recent purchase I made... the Ped-Egg. Yes, it’s one of those ‘as seen on tv’ products but they sell it at Wal-Mart too. This thing is the best!! It seriously pulverizes the skin on your feet….tiny razors literally shave the dead skin off and it’s gathered in this little egg shaped capsule. Open the capsule and it’s like parmesan cheese inside! Add a little Vaseline and these special aloe infused socks I also bought, and my feet are as good as new…

Uverse finally gets installed tomorrow… yeah!!!

A sh!ty day...literally

Well, it's Monday and as if that wasn't bad enough... it's pouring down rain, I woke up to the most horrible smell in the world, and Rocco just cost me $100 at the vet.  That's right, $100 to sift through some of his poop and test for bacteria... oh and what did they find???  absolutely nothing.  So why did I also need to purchase 2 medications and a special prescription diet?  I do feel bad for the little guy because... hey, we've all been there... but damn that's expensive!

nevermind

Nevermind all of those great things I said about Rocco just yesterday... forget it all. I woke up at 5am this morning to the smell of his diarrhea on the floor in my room. I thought it was a dream... oh but it was real. He's been a little under the weather the past few days and he getting his routine shots this morning so I can't be that mad at him... but it was worse than anything I have ever had to clean up.

10 at 10

While the running time has improved, my enjoyment for the sport has not.  It was 10pm tonight before I finally brought myself to put the shoes on.  I procrastinated for as long as possible and even debated not going at all because I'm simply exhausted.  I know myself better than that though, and I knew that if I didn't go... it would start...(the 'cheating' that is) and I would become addicted to skipping here and skipping there.  So I went... ten minutes... it wasn't terrible... but it wasn't fun. 

My BFF

Those of you who don't know me or haven't known me for very long... don't know how much I’ve despised cats and dogs my entire life. I never had one as a kid and I never really understood how people cared about these nasty 'things' so much... I considered them to be wild and unpredictable, dirty and smelled and shed fur all over the place. It drove me nuts when I’d be out with my friends having a good time and they’d say “okay, I need to head home now because (insert pet name) has been in his kennel all day.”

I got Rocco last year on a whim… I was just feeling a little lonely that day and… bought a dog! Never had one in my life but how hard could it be? And if I don’t like it… I’ll just give him to someone that wants him. When I got home, I sat down and realized that I had no food, no bowls, no toys, no kennel, etc… I put him in a box in the basement and thought to myself “what in the hell did I just do?”

And now… I wouldn’t say I’ve done a complete 180 and love animals now, but I honestly don’t understand how I can love him as much as I do. First, he is probably the cutest dog I’ve ever seen… Secondly, he has the best personality and is very well behaved... I really did get lucky. I know everyone thinks that about their own dogs but I do have a good one. Everyday I think there is no way I could love him more but he continues to be so darn adorable all the time. I love when I wake up and his little face is right next to mine on the pillow and he is curled up in the tiniest little fur ball. I just look at him sometimes and my heart hurts… I really wish I could tell him how much I love him.

So much for me thinking animals are unpredictable… looks like that adjective should be used to describe me!

Friends of Parkville Animal Shelter’s Annual Paws in the Park Dog Walk Festival 09.19.09
Check out Rocco's modeling debut at the link above... he is in #97 and #98.

A perfect 10!

OMG. I just ran 10 mins without walking! And.... it was surprisingly easy for some reason! I went on the 'snake route' again which is usually only 8 mins but when I came to a fork in the road I had a choice to go straight back to my house or go a little bit longer way around. I felt fine so I opted for the longer way which added another 2 mins. I know you are probably thinking that is nothing but please keep in mind that I almost died just 2 weeks ago trying to run for just 4 mins!

I am so proud of myself... this just gave me a huge burst of confidence and I’m excited to see how much further I will eventually go.

I think I will treat myself to something tonight.  Hmmm.....

well said...

"if you treat a girl like dirt, she'll stick to you like mud"

why does this strike a chord??

9.16.09

Solid 8 minutes.  No stopping.  No walking.  Great sweat. 
New street.  Fewer hills.  Saw a snake.
Probably won't run that way again. 
Feel great!  No complaints today!!

Swagat to the Restaurant and to the Library

Swagat means "Welcome" in Hindi
While walking Rocco today, I stopped to chat with T (my neighbor). She mentioned that she was maybe going to get take out from Swagat later and we started chatting about how great she thought it was. I always hear people raving about how good this restaurant is… but I’ve never really had a desire to try it. For some reason I’ve always felt kind of intimidated to go in… I knew it was supposed to be very authentic Indian cuisine and for those of you who have been to a foreign country with me, you know how bad I am at understanding menus and people who don’t speak English very well. Plus, the place always seemed very dark and non welcoming from the outside… I’ve just never had it on my radar to try... but I decided to go with her…

Ok.. I was immediately greeted by the nicest little Indian man ever. The place was so cool inside… very authentic, clean, and nice! I felt a little under dressed even though we were the only ones in there because it was so late. The wait staff was so friendly and very attentive… I could tell they were really excited that we were there and excited we wanted to eat their food! I ordered some shrimp in tomato sauce thing, nan (I remember having this in Dubai and loved it), and she got this mango drink so I had to as well. This food was DE-licious! Kind of spicy… I probably should have just stuck with the mild rather than medium but it was still very good. I’m pretty picky about rice (usually only like my red beans and rice or fried rice) but this was a basmati and it was very light and flavorful all by itself. The mango drink was kind of weird but good…it wasn’t frozen or like a smoothie… it was more like mango yogurt but not quite as thick… it helped tone down the spicy.

Before the restaurant we had to stop at the library because T needed to return a book… how convenient!… Reading more books is on my bucket list and I knew this was a sign. Haven’t had a library card in probably 16 years and it only cost me $0.50 to renew! Why did I ever buy books??? I guess they are fun to have but if you only read them once, what’s the point? It adds up and the library is FREE, people!!! T had just finished “Baby Proof” by Emily Griffin and highly recommended it so I thought “what the heck?” I only have about a month so I hope I can actually finish it… (seems to be a problem for me lately…I usually read about two thirds of a book and just forget about it). You’d think that I’d get really involved, but I don’t. Hope to change that soon. Any one else have any suggested reading?

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride!'

The Hills and The Hill

Last night’s MTV video awards… great show… love Beyonnce… hate Kanye (always have) and what the hell is wrong with Lady GaGa?  I know she just wore those outfits for attention, which is exactly what she is getting, but I’m tempted to not even like her anymore because it seemed so desperate and somewhat scary.

MTV showed the trailer for the upcoming season premiere of The Hills… I just don’t know if I can bring myself to watch it now that Cavallari is running the show. She was on screen for a total of about 2 mins last night and I couldn’t stand her… The Hills used to be my release… the place I would go to live vicariously through, and now I just think I’d be pissed every night watching it because of her…

Oprah did not disappoint today... Whitney Houston... wow!  I knew she was on drugs for a while but to hear her talk about it and how bad it was... very upsetting.  She did not hold anything back but she could hardly talk.. you can really tell what a horrible affect smoking has had on her vocal chords!  I can't wait to write more about how much I hate smoking...  Also, loved the new episode of The View this morning... Victoria Beckham... it was major!

I called AT&T today to schedule an appointment to have them install the new Uverse programming they've been advertising. Apparently, you can record up to 4 shows at one time... I've started to get anxiety about all of the shows that I want to watch this fall season and my preliminary schedule would have forced me to cut some from my lineup because my current arrangement would only allow 2 recordings at a time. Next Wednesday, I'll be set for winter hibernation!

Back on 'track' with running... I put it off as long as possible today but I went!  Could it be that I am digressing rather than progressing?? I brought my phone with me this time so I could really time myself and not just estimate like I have been. Twice around my block and I thought I was going to get sick. Only 7 minutes!?  Really!? It must be that damn Hill!! I seriously want to cry when I get to the top because my thighs burn so bad! The good news is that the new shoes have really helped… I felt almost no pain in my shins, ankles and feet today. I might try to step it up and do a small run tomorrow even though its supposed to be my day off... I have a feeling I will need an extra dose of distraction and an outlet for steam.

Maybe I’ll also go look at iPods…

*Disclaimer: I’ve gotten some response from last night’s “FML” posting… no need to worry about me…I was having a moment (as I often do at 3am) and didn’t mean to alarm anyone (although I really love you guys for caring so much!) I am fine and I’m only indirectly affected the issues my family is going through.

"O" Happy Day!

New season of Oprah starts today!!!! 
I LOVE Oprah... I want to be her...

FML

How is it that I have seen three shooting stars in the past month but haven't had one ounce of good luck? Instead, could these be signs that the entire sky falling down on me and my family?

Two months ago a day came that I never thought would... my grandmother passed away. She was the matriarch of my entire family… the one that ultimately made the family that I love so much. Without her, none of us would be here and we wouldn’t be the close family that we are. She was the one that brought us all together every single Sunday with traditional pasta and meatballs.  We aren’t just ‘related’… my cousins are like siblings to me.  Momo was the most incredible woman I’ve ever known and probably ever will. I still feel her love for all of us everyday and I know she is watching over us...

This upcoming week is going to be one of the hardest, most stressful weeks we’ve had since then. Life altering events... worlds flipped upside down-  and it's not just one thing... there is a list... all of great magnitude and there isn't anything I can do about it. God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Had I known these things were about to happen, I probably would have prayed a little harder.

I'm sure you will hear more about these events as they transpire and become known… and how they affect the next year of my life…….

$150 investment in my future

So last night I made a big commitment to this whole running thing... I bought new shoes! All in hopes that this will help the 'bruising' on the balls of my feet along with the ankle cramps, shin splints, back pain, stomach cramps, sore neck, arms, fingers, ears and eyelashes... :) They properly measured both of my feet, analyzed my walk and run, studied the wear and tear areas of my old shoes (even though there was hardly any) and made selections based on the design and support I need! Who would have thought such a heaven existed? If only they could do this for high heels too!!

I went with the Nikes… even though the New Balance ones were ‘cuter’. I know, I was so proud of myself and didn’t even really give it a second thought… these have air bags in the soles that really make me feel as though I’m walking on air.

This morning was the first trial run with the new kicks… so much better!! I could seriously tell a huge difference. And although they didn’t help out much with the near death messages my heart and lungs were sending to my head, they definitely helped ease the pains from my knees down. I ran around my block… about ½ way I told myself that I was only going to be able to do one time around but when I got to my house I decided to go for one more. Not sure what the distance is but I think it was about 8 mins.

I was telling a friend about my experience this evening… he advised that I maybe I should slow my pace down… (probably a wise move considering I’ve been going at it with the “I just want to hurry up and get it over with” attitude)

Seriously?

Why is it that guys think it's cool to wave, wink and honk at you when you are stopped at a stop light?  This happens SO often (maybe because I spend an abnormal amout of time in my car, but still...)  What did he think I was going to do... write my number down and hold it to the window?? pull over and get in his back seat with him??  Or do guys really just get that much satisfaction from a simple acknowledgement of their existence?  Ummm no, I did not satisfy any part of that and this is not a good way to ask a girl out (especially if you're driving a ‘yellow cab’)

9.11

I still remember every detail about todays date 8 years ago... from what I was doing, who I was with, what I ate and the thoughts in my head.  God bless the USA!

"Terrorist attacks can shake the foundations of our biggest buildings, but they cannot touch the foundation of America. These acts shatter steel, but they cannot dent the steel of American resolve.  America was targeted for attack because we are the brightest beacon for freedom and opportunity in the world. And no one will keep that light from shining."
President George W. Bush

September 11, 2001

iPod, i don't

I guess I missed the bus when it comes to iPods. I don't have one nor have I ever been interested in getting one. Everyone has been encouraging it lately to help ease the boredom I feel when running. I think I tried to listen to someone’s one time and those little plugs hurt/didn’t fit in my ears… I lost interest and thought these things would just be a phase… Instead, I seem to be the only one on the planet without one these days…
(Similar situation and reason why I have a strong dislike for Dave Mathews Band…-you’ll never meet anyone who just ‘likes’ DMB… they are obsessed and it’s extremely annoying. I feel like his fans are almost cult-like and I've always refused to get on that bandwagon)

Is it weird that I still like to burn CDs? I mean, I still have my portable discman with the headband-like ear phones… what is so wrong with that?? Okay, I probably wouldn’t really bring that out in public but I just don’t think I can give in to the ‘trendiness’ of the little plugs or the velcro arm band holder. I make fun of those people in my head all the time because they always seem so serious about their workout.

I feel like it would become way too expensive as well… you have to buy each individual song?? No thank you. I already have quite the collection of CDs I still listen to in my car… just seems like such a hassle to have to start all over. If someone has an old ipod already loaded I might try it out again just for the training but I’m not going to be very proud of myself.

two thirds... better than no thirds...

Stankowski Track = 1/3 mile
Today's run = 2 times around without walking or stopping (or dying)

This is going to be so much harder than I thought.  I could actually feel the hate I have for running rushing through my entire body... from the side cramp in my stomach all the way through my shins.

I need new shoes...

Tiger Town vs. Cougar Town

Columbia, MO... here for work this week.  Usually when I come back it feels like just yesterday I was walking around campus, living the 'good life'.  Tonight's events, however, made me realize how far away I am from this 'good life'.  I stopped by to visit B (a close family friend that I used to babysit in high school).  B and her roommate are freshmen here and just joined the same sorority I was in back in the day.  How fun it was to reminisce and ask about their experience so far...  "Do they still have 'fried fridays'?"  "Have you started pomping?"  "Isn't student charge great?"  All of a sudden... sitting right there in Jones Hall with them, I got so caught up that I felt myself in that same conversation, that exact moment for the first time... how could that have been 10 years ago! 

Somehow the topic of Sept 11th came up and I was talking about the failed finance test I was forced to take that day.  Both looked at me and and jaws dropped "you were in college when that happened?"  "yeah, it was my junior year"  "oh my gosh... we were in 5th grade!"   ...  no comment ...

And like an 'older and wiser adult' would do... I definitely reminded them several times to live it up... enjoy every moment... and know that many of the strangers they are about to meet WILL be their best friends for the rest of their lives.  (I HATED it when people used to say that to me all the time... it was so annoying for some reason and I even tried to stop myself midway through when I realized what I was saying, but it was too late) 
ahhhhhh....I'm becoming one of them... old(er) and adult-ish.  Please make it stop!!

On another note: I am looking forward to running the track at Stankowski field tomorrow morning... even though my body is so sore from the 1.5 mile run/walk yesterday.  It only took me 6 years after graduation to finally take advantage of the rec facilities here!!

BS

How am I supposed to be motivated and excited when my horoscope tells me its not going to be a good day?

Going Green

Today (in my new effort to 'be green') I actually remembered to bring my reusable shopping bags that I got for Christmas to Wal-Mart and Hyvee. Did you know that Hyvee will actually credit you $.05 for each plastic bag of theirs you DON'T use!? Love it!!

I've also had my air conditioner off for almost 2 weeks now... been sweating my ass off on occasion but the recent installation of ceiling fans in my living room and bedroom have helped a lot.

I stocked up on lots of protein and carbs (steaks, rice and beans) to help with the new training routine.  I ran 1.5 miles today and I thought I was going to die!! Seriously, I came inside and called N... she couldn't understand what I was talking about because I was so delerious. I'm going to start focusing more on time rather than distance for now... (example: run for 10 mins every other day rather than worry about miles) I'll gradually work my way up and hope to get to 30 straight mins by January when the real training begins.

Before Sunrise

I always feel this pressure of being a strong and independent icon of womanhood, and without making it look my whole life is revolving around some guy. But loving someone, and being loved means so much to me. We always make fun of it and stuff. But isn't everything we do in life a way to be loved a little more?

You know what the worst thing is about someone breaking up with you.... is when you remember how little you thought about the people you broke up with... and you realize that is how little they are thinking about you... You know, you'd like to think you're both in all this pain but they're just like 'Hey, I'm glad you're gone'.

Why do we become obsessed with people we don't really like that much??

I always think that I'm still this 13 year old girl... who doesn't really know how to be an adult... pretending to live my life... taking notes for when I'm really going to have to do it... kind of like a dress rehearsal.

I don't know, I think that if I could just accept the fact that my life is supposed to be difficult... you know, that's what to be expected, then I might not get so pissed off about it and I'll just be glad when something nice happens.

If there's any kind of magic in this world, it must be in the attempt of understanding someone, sharing something. I know, it's almost impossible to succeed, but…who cares, really? The answer must be in the attempt.

Sometimes I dream about being a good mother and a good wife. And sometimes it feels really close. But then other times it seems silly like it would ruin my whole life. And it's not just a fear of commitment or that I'm incapable of caring or loving because... I can. It's just that, if I'm totally honest with myself I think I'd rather die knowing that I was really good at something. That I had excelled in some way than that I'd just been in a nice, caring relationship.

You know what drives me crazy? It's all these people talking about how great technology is, and how it saves all this time. But, what good is saved time, if nobody uses it?  It just turns into more busy work.

"after a few years a couple will begin to hate each other by anticipating their reactions or getting tired of their mannerisms" ...I think it would be the opposite for me. I think I can really fall in love when I know everything about someone-the way he's going to part his hair, which shirt he's going to wear that day, knowing the exact story he'd tell in a given situation. I'm sure that's when I know I'm really in love.

But then the morning comes, and we turn back into pumpkins, right?

"Cleaning House" Part 2

I got rid of so much shit that has been piling up and and I don't have a clue as to why I still had this stuff...

Example... I have kept every receipt from everything I've ever purchased! I have an entire file cabinet (neatly organized) with all of them including Wal-Mart receipts from 2001 for chapstick!!! Food receipts, clothing that I don't even own anymore, my first cell phone, receipts that were printed on that paper that eventually fades so they are now just long white strips of blank paper...

I'm really not a pack rat.. I'd like to think of it more as a small case of obsessive compulsive disorder. Every so often, I come to my senses and 'cure' myself for a few moments.

"Cleaning House"

I did a lot of 'clean up' in my life yesterday. I'd like to say that it was within my house but unfortunately that will have to be today. Good thing there is enough stuff to do around here to keep me distracted most of the day... I plan to be 'working hard' on this Labor Day!!

I really need to start training for the half marathon. I'm planning to do the Go! St. Louis one in April. Keep in mind, I haven't ran in over a decade so for me to physically put on running shoes is going to be a huge achievement in itself.

N and I have already begun research and plans for our EuroTrip this May. I think we have a preliminary plan of 9 cities/countries in 13 days! Is that even possible? There's really nothing that I want to cut out!

Bucket List

It has occured to me that the thing that would make this blog more interesting (for me anyway) would be for me to have short term goals... a few things I want to do before I turn 30. Yes, I stole this idea from the recent movie "Julie and Julia" but who cares.

I'm going to make a "Before Turning 30 Bucket List". A list of goals I'd like to achieve in the next year and a half. So now you have something to follow... feel free to comment, encourage, and advise!

Am I supposed to update this thing everyday?

So far I have opened my eyes but not yet removed myself from my bed. Why hasn't anyone viewed my page yet??? I guess I'll take my dog outside. "Come on Rocco...."

What in the hell is a BLOG?

There are days I do not get a single phone call from a friend or family member, so why in the hell would a perfect stranger care what I'm doing or writing about? And can I start by saying that I really hate the word 'blog'... it reminds me of something disgusting and it does not exactly roll off my tongue.

I am in no way shape or form a writer. I will probably not use proper English, spelling, grammar, etc. I will probably repeat a lot and my thoughts will often seem 'out of order' because I really don't want to stress about this... can I please just type my thoughts as they come to me?? Yes, I will and I won't care... if you do, don't read.

So how interesting can this blog be if I spend a lot of my days waiting around for something interesting to happen... who does that?? Wow, I just reread that sentence and I'm so embarrassed for myself.

Why can't I ever go to bed? I've trained myself to think that sleep is a waste of time... Why is it that I am only productive at 3am? And by 'productive' I mean creating BLOGS???? wtf.

I'm 28 years old and I hope I can start using this to help me figure out what I want to be when I grow up..........